I’m not sure if everyone knew this but you can really bet on everything. Right now you can go bet on who you think Jon Snow’s mother is, which personally I think is like printing free money – but I feel compelled to tell you that I do not condone problem gambling. However, it is still the inspiration for this article, as I stumbled across the betting odds on who will be the next actor to play James Bond, and boy was I surprised.
What we are going to do today is take a look at the odds, and then using criteria (of my choosing) for entertainment purposes, see if it all adds up. The criteria are as follows:
Objectively handsome – A person of any sexual orientation can look at them and think “yes, I can see why someone would make bad decisions to be with you.”
Pass ‘The Dolton Law’ – Look like they would be able to beat up at least one of the former bonds, which let’s face it, is Timothy Dalton.
Pass ‘The Brosnan Standard’ – Show evidence of having the acting chops to carry a well written Bond film. For reference, I believe Pierce Brosnan was an excellent Bond but aside from Goldeneye, was never given the opportunity to flourish due to terrible scripts. Seriously go back and watch those movies, the writing is terrible and he still makes them enjoyable.
Aiden Turner 2.5-1
Some of you might be thinking ‘Who the hell is this guy?’ and really that question is the inspiration this whole piece – especially when I realised that he was the Dwarf from The Hobbit that was a part of that shoe-horned storyline with the Elf, Tauriel. (Don’t even get me started on why she shouldn’t have been in the movie in the first place)
I’m all for having fresh faces play the part of James Bond because I certainly had no idea who Daniel Craig was, and he featured in the cinematic classic Casino Royale. That fact, at the bare minimum, puts him ahead of George Lazenby, Timothy Dalton, and depending on who you ask, Roger Moore. I can see many people complaining about this choice if it turns out to be true but the internet went crazy when Heath Ledger was chosen as the joker and look how that turned out.
Objectively Handsome: Pass
The Dolton Law: His Wikipedia has him as 1.83 metres or 6 ft and his experience as a dwarf with hammers and axes gives him an edge so I’m going to go with probably which is, for now, a pass.
The Brosnan Standard: At this stage I haven’t seen enough of his work to say one way or another, but because of my faith in the seriousness for James Bond search committees, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a reluctant Pass.
Tom Hiddleston 3.00-1
Again for me hard to imagine him as James Bond as I’m not sure if I can just imagine him having the build. It seem’s like such a weird thing to say but I just couldn’t conceivably believe him lasting 5 minutes with any previous bond. Hiddleston is the reason for The Dalton Law. That being said, there is a reason he is on the list and after seeing a few episodes of ‘The Night Watchman’ I’m fairly certain he at least has the acting chops to play the part. It would be interesting to see if he could balance two franchise while still playing Loki in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and a James Bond franchise. That also happens to be the main reason why I don’t think he will take the roll even if it is offered.
Objectively Handsome: Pass
The Dolton Law: Fail
The Brosnan Standard: Pass
Tom Hardy 4-1
My favourite to win the mantle and to me just seems like an obvious choice, but again maybe that is why he won’t be chosen. If they do want to go the unknown star route then I feel Hardy is already too big a star, but if they didn’t, then boy – look no further. If your unsure if the ragged brute from Bronson, Warrior, Mad Max: Fury Road or The Dark Knight Rises could pull off the suave wise-cracking playboy then you really just need to watch the 10 minutes he was in Inception. I have no doubt in my mind Hardy would make a terrific bond and if they continued on the gritty, darker, real-world bond then we have enough evidence to suggest he definitely do a terrific job.
Objectively Handsome: Pass.
The Dolton Law: Pass, Pass.
The Brosnan Standard: Pass.
Damien Lewis 4.5-1
I guess to effectively make my next point I have to take the guy from Homeland as a serious candidate, and If Daniel Craig didn’t have black hair then why can’t Damien Lewis play him?
There’s no reason why this guy can’t play bond right? I can definitely imagine the guy from Homeland being really suave and cool? Ok, Look, I tried. I also don’t think he has the build. But like, feel free to prove me wrong and throw down a fiver.
Objectively Handsome: Fail
The Dolton Law: Probably Fail, although he looks like he has long arms so he might have a nice reach and is therefore in with a good chance against the smaller Dalton.
The Brosnan Standard: Debatable Fail.
Idris Elba 7-1
You just have to go to social media and see some of the reactions to see why Idris would be a contentious pick. I personally love the idea not only because of his twitter response below but because it would be a really interesting new way to open up the James Bond world. There is a theory floating online that is by no means new, but Idris would allow it to come alive. In short the theory suggests that 007 and ‘James Bond’ are just a codename that is passed on from one agent to another and not really a singular person with a linear timeline. This would be amazing! it would open up the door for female incarnations of James Bond-like Amy Adams or Daisey Ridley. It helps that Elba is also handsome as hell and from all accounts a great Actor. Some in Hollywood, however, feel Idris is ‘Too street’ to play Bond which is really more of just a reflection on the Hollywood Whitewashing. It should also be noted that Idris is on the wrong side of 40 so depending on how many Bonds he plans on doing, or when Daniel Craig finishes then it might be a long shot for this theory to eventuate, which I think it eventually will. I’m sure many are surprised to find out Idris is 43, so conventional wisdom would suggest he could be 55 and still look the part. I’m cemented on Elba Island.
Isn’t 007 supposed to handsome? Glad you think I’ve got a shot! Happy New year people. pic.twitter.com/3g9lAl2Uo3
— Idris Elba (@idriselba) December 27, 2014
Objectively Handsome: Pass, pass.
The Dolton Law: Pass.
The Brosnan Standard: Pass.
Sam Worthington 41-1
lol… just, just no.
P. Diddy 251-1
There were other people I could have put on this list, but really would you want to know any of that, or are you glad you now know someone, somewhere could potentially be betting on P.Diddy to be the next James Bond. That just makes me happy.
In reality, not much of this matters if they dump a truckload of money at Daniel Craig’s house. No seriously, I’ll drive the truck. How could they waste Bond’s greatest villain in Blofeld AND Christoph Waltz in one subpar movie? Jeez really hope someone got fired for that blunder.